I find it impossible to classify The emotions that take over my mind So it’s left then to be misinterpreted By people that pretend they’re wordsmiths With all their fancy diagnoses But they don’t really even know me And does anybody know the real me Because I’ve been so scared of rejection I’ve hid her so expertly
So this one is for all the doctors that labelled me as crazy For the meltdowns that occurred almost daily When there was change and disruption to regular routines The real reason why remaining unseen Calling me names like “manipulative” and “attention seeking” Actually, attention was the last thing I needed
But I took that on, believed it to be true Punished myself, turning myself black and blue Smashing my head against the wall until I bleed My black eyes standing out, drowning in a sea Of faces I don’t recognise And there’s never a time I can switch off inside
Overcompensate by overexplaining To try to stop the overthinking Paying the price for other people’s ignorance When all I needed was a little bit of reassurance And I leave everybody wondering why the medication never works Or therapy just made me worse
It’s only now it’s recognised The reason I struggled all those times Is because I’m autistic and have ADHD And you cannot cure neurodiversity
Missed as a child by them, Because I was just seen as shy and I didn’t cause problems In a way that was visible Until the pain got too much and I lost all control Became impossible to cope in a world that isn’t set up for me Took years to learn to manage with creativity Still, I wonder how nobody else can see The patterns that form inside my mind Amid the chaos of every day life
The juxtaposition is unnerving Racing thoughts keep on swirling Because I get stuck when the world feels too loud
And my mouth clamps up, can’t make a sound Can’t communicate in the same way As I would do any other day.
So I’ll focus and fixate on the little things that make sense To give my head just a little bit of rest Some respite from the place I find myself in Where I can’t be myself out of fear I won’t fit in.
Stop. Breathe. Count in 3s. Tap my face to calm the anxiety Finger flick to pass the time And I’m sorry but can you just repeat that line? I was trying to listen but my brain went on A little journey of it’s own and now it’s singing a little song Now I need to get music blasting in my headphones I know my social anxiety means I’ll end up alone But it’s busy and loud and I feel out of place While others feel quite comfortable filling that space
I struggle with noise sensitivity It’s like I can hear the electricity Crackling in the background of every interaction Would be so damn nice if I could hear just a fraction
Less. So I’ll stop. Take a deep breath. Count in 3s Find somebody’s hand to squeeze Because the walls are closing in and now I can’t breathe Silence takes over, vocal chords paralysed Can only communicate when I type And nobody likes that I don’t match their vibe So I’m left to cry quietly on the sidelines.
My anxiety, a chronic battle of somebody who’s labelled with neurodiversity Can’t imagine the toll it’s taken on my broken body It’s no wonder there’s time where I can’t speak And I can’t help wondering, “is this really a problem with me?” Or a problem with society? Because I know I am only disabled By the places I venture to not doing enough to enable Me to feel safe, they’ll label me as the issue Rather than admit there’s something they might need to do Because unless you’re the autistic genius portrayed on the TV You’re seen as just a weirdo who struggles socially
So the problems become a battle I face internally Nobody wanting to love the real me When I started self-harming to cope at the age of 12 I was seen as just another sad little girl And not somebody who has trouble adapting to the world If I could go back to her, I’d do it in a heartbeat Because thinking you’re broken, it damages the psyche Creating a lifelong battle with insecurity Stuttering out the words “I wasn’t intending to be mean”
Or rude. Or blunt. Or to talk over you but I was just so excited for you to hear my point And now you’re all staring at me like I’ve lost the plot Which I kind of did, because now I can’t remember The question you asked to kick start this interaction
Spent all my time learning to mask and blend in Spent so many years studying Other people and how they behave So I could do exactly the same Master of camouflage, can navigate any social situation And go unnoticed for my quirks, or for messing up the conversation
Sometimes I desperately want to be “normal” But this isn’t mental illness or something hormonal Words often used to describe A woman when she looks like she’s losing her mind Because if a woman struggles with emotional regulation It must be something that needs medical attention
My brain is exhausting, but it’s the only way I can be It’s just a different way of thinking you see This little thing they call neurodiversity.